Now i know why

I remember when i was little.. and a bit older.. quietly tip-toeing into my parents' room when after a nightmare. And i'll just stand by their bedside or the end of the bed, in my nightie, waiting for one of them to wake up from my still presence. And they always do. And whether it was Dad or Mum, i know i'd be safe and sound from my dreams when i was beside them. I'll sleep with my back to them, but they'd always have to be facing me. So what when i looked back, i knew that they were watching me.. and i can move on, more forward, sleeping.

Now i know why i sleep that way.

I want to walk through every day, looking back and knowing that He watches my back. He does. :) Thank You.

allow me to blabber drugs

It's called Tarceva.

The active ingredient is a drug known as erlotinib. I've never heard of that medicine before until 5 hours ago when a customer called to ask if it was available in NZ. It wasnt in the Shedule so guessed there wasnt any subsidy. Predictable. But it wasnt in MIMS either, and it was only when Bruce said that it has just changed status from being a Section 29 drug.

It's used in the treatment of non-small cell lung cancer and advanced pancreatic cancer. It works by blocking tyrosine kinase receptors on epidermal growth factor. It's in Phase III clinical trials too! I havent seen the literature, but it sounds very exciting.. And it's just once tablet daily for a couple of years.

It's approx $200 per tablet.

*gasp*

GUESSSSSAWAAAAT?

I feel a bit sad today.



In the still of the night. Only the rumble as trains go and the splish splosh of puddles as cars whiz by. No beepings anymore.. It's quiet. I guess it's mission accomplished...

sleepless slumber

Do you ever get those days when everything is so busy and non-stop that you actually have to make a concious effort to breathe? Well, today was one of those days...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Probably a bit more than i should be doing. Maybe that's why i've been having such horrible sleep.. I'm not the kind that usually wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, let alone allow mundane dreams to affect me to such an extent that i open my eyes. But that is how it has been for the past 2 nights. I've been finding it hard to sleep even when my body is zoned out already. And not just that. Tossing and turning in my sleep. Waking up at least 3 times in the middle of the night and for at least one of them to be awake and unable to go back to sleep for at least an hour. Been having really strange confusing dreams too. Waking up feeling even more tired than before i went to bed..and wanting just to pull the covers over my head and get back to bed. As Krystal sums it up in one word.. Meh.. I wondered if popping one zopiclone would do the trick. Man, i cant believe that crossed my mind! :S

But despite restless nights, days been great :) Thanks, God! :)

Different sides of me

There are so many different sides of me... only if you knew.

It was a stuggle before. I have battled with the masks i found myself wearing. Faces of me that hid who i was. It was frightening as i found myself changing colours like a chameleon to suit what people wanted to hear, to paint a picture i wanted people to think of me.

And then i realised it wasnt worth it. I didnt want people to befriend me because i had moulded to be the person they wanted to befriend. I wanted them to befriend me for me.

And then it came to the question of "Who am i, then?" I behave differently with different people. I'm like a multi-faceted polygonal thingee. Please correct my terminology. With different people, i show different faces. Even though they look different to you, they're all still the same person. It's still me. Sometimes there's the quiet side, sometimes the craaaazzzzzzy side. Sometimes i crack lame cold jokes (hahahaha), sometimes i get moody and then there's pi qi. Not good. Yet, it's still me. I dont think i hide behind a mask half as often as i used to. I'm just not comfortable showing all those sides to everyone. You? Maybe =)

God, you're the only one who sees all my sides. I wonder what you think of me..

teddies forever

Maybe i'm too big for teddies. But if i were to pack them away, i dont know where to keep them either. I cant imagine them in a box.. so i guess you guys will just have to stay on my bed for just a teeny bit longer.

I'm tired of feeling tired. Tired of feeling drained of energy. Tired of having lists of things to do that never end. I cross off one, and add on two. Nobody had warned me about this. No one mentioned a word that first year working can be like this.

I've got a heavy head.

I need to go to and see the dance rehearsal.

And to the graduation party.

My legs are heavy. I want to just lie down and close my eyes and not move.. and yet i can feel my strength ebb away due to the lack of exercise.

*get up! get up!* See that half-eaten bottle of Centrum up there? Yes... compliance is an issue? (Ok, just for this moment, i'm not an intern pharmacist) Then do something about it!! Get some energy!

*looks at the pile of papers on the floor* Need to finish sorting this out by tonight. Gosh, i'm going at such a slow pace. Hurry hurry!!

and stop complaining!

*hugs*

this journey

I was reading Jess' latest post about marriage. It dawned on me the truth of what the author said. Marriage is a journey. It spoke so clearly to me. It's saying to the other person "I would like to spend my life journey with you. Not just to share the happy moments, or to stand together through tough times, but to be by you every step of the way."

*in awe*

Till i am able to say that to another, i think i have a lot of growing up to do.

Be a witness to my life - Shall We Dance